| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|01:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Paramore | ] |
Could you remind me of a time
when we were so alive...
so i've been thinking. alot of thinking tonight. since i was stood up for no really apparent reason. Brendan said he was working late. its cool just kind of wanted to hang out with an old friend. funny...he's 25 but still acts like an 18year old.
but this is what i've been thinking about....this is what i want in a guy.
-compassionate
-faithful
-honest
-caring
-a hard worker
-knows how to say "i'm sorry"
-appreciates the little things in life. (like a little note, or a knowing smile)
-Loves Jesus
-family oriented
-who isn't afraid to share his feelings
-loves adventure
-spontaneous
-motivated
-has goals
-will treat me right.
-has no secrets.
basically this is a fantasy guy, i suppose. but i can't help but wonder if there's really a guy out there like that.
i know i'm only 19, going on 20, but i'm so excited about becoming a mother. I can't wait to have a family of my own. its one adventure that i'm so ready for. one that i know has a lot of different twists and turns in it. Its so exciting. i guess until then, my job is to work with the teens of this generation and help mold them/ lead them in the right direction.
The Young Life Leadership Conference in Columbus, is coming up next weekend. I'm super nervous. But i know it needs to be done!!! i need to go even if it means i go alone. I don't know what i'm more scared of...being in a room full of strangers....or starting this ministry down here from scratch.
Its scary to think that this may not kick off as well as hoped but i'm trying to think on the more positive side of it. I can change alot of kids' lives!!! that's exciting.
okay i'm done rambling. time to go cuddle with baby Gucci and sleep.
peace. |
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| Yoooooooou GOTTA STAY POSI! |
[Jan. 9th, 2006|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
its been a long time since i last updated this thing....not much has happened...thanksgiving, christmas, new years.
its a new year, which means a year for new adventures! that's always exciting.
this past weekend i got to see Jonas!
i've missed him so freaking much. We had alot of fun. He's probably the only guy that has ever treated me right..and we're just friends...it kind of makes me sad. why can't i get a guy who will rub my back as i fall asleep, or make me dinner (even if it is just ramen noodles.), or gives me his hoodie when i'm shivering in the cool night air.... Jonas did all this and it was sweet and he made me feel very special.
i moved back home...its not as exciting as the apartment. and i can't just have visitors come and go as they please...but its not as lonely and not as expensive as living on my own. it will definitely help me stay focused.
Its official! i get to start Young Life for the Mid-Ohio Valley!!!!!! this is just so amazing...i just hope ican do it...there's a bit of doubt hanging above me. but i can get it going...i just need to get a network of community leaders started.
i miss a few people alot...it really makes me sad that i rarely get to see/ talk to them...they make me smile everytime i do though.
i'm in a relationship right now....but i have a feeling its going to end soon...it just doesn't look like he cares much.
anyway..i have to go prepare for try-outs tomorrow. eeek i'm so nervous.
<3 |
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| this is not a sob story. |
[Nov. 23rd, 2005|12:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
i'm realizing that change is good though i'm so hesitant about it. i've been doing alot of reevaluating of my life. there's alot i'm not happy with but there's also things that i am happy about...although the negative seems to over power the positive.
+++i'm giving more time to the Lord. I've been silly and wrong. I've pushed him out of my life because i didn't know how to deal with all the bad that was happening around me. When i should have embraced Him, i pushed Him away.
+++i'm moving back home.
+++i'm going back to school.
+++I'm going to look into becoming a nurse's assistant. i realize that i have been really selfish in moving out...especially now. my stepfather is sick with cancer and my mom needs me. && i need her.
+++i'm renewing the relationship between my father and i....i need him && he needs me.
last but not least...i need to be happy with myself and give my self worth..before anyone else can give the same to me.
see the thing is..is that i don't have much selfworth...confidence..it's one thing i lack...no this is not my sob story..i don't do this because i want attention...i do this because i don't feel that i need attention...when complimented...i don't know how to respond..its not that i'm stuck up...i just have a hard time believing that someone really thinks that of me...its strange i guess. one thing has had a major impact in this whole lack of confidence thing...and that was the Marine. he made me feel so wonderful..so beautiful...then he left...not by choice...but slowly the letters, the conversations became few and far between. he was my best friend. and now he's gone. which leads to my fear...
i have this fear of caring so much about someone that i push them away. and that the caring is only wone sided.
i'm still picking up the peices of the heart that he didn't intend to break..but slowly i'm mending myself..working on putting back together a life without him.
i was in love with him...i still love him...but i'm not IN love with him...i will always love him. but i have moved on.
i don't know how this entry moved from all the change in my life to the talk of the marine...but atleast its out there.
now...to this special person who i haven't talked to in ages...i miss you!! yeah that's right...stop being busy and call me...i miss your voice.
el fin. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|02:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fight paris | ] |
i'll make you say oooh i'll make aww
...i'll make you say OH MY GOD!
+ Jonas came in! we had pizza, went to wal-mart 3 times, went to toys-r-us...had breakfast at the Mountaineer, and took a long nap! fun! he was going to steal my blanket and my cat..so not posi.
- a few stupid phone calls from an ex.
+ made plans with BFF tyler.
- hurt my leg at work....ouch.
+ made the most awesome birthday cake ever!
+ talked to a very awesome person this morning...even though he woke me up from my very peaceful sleep...but it was nice to hear from him.
- i have to go to work now on my hurt leg.
any one want to kiss my booboo? |
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| Complete with total adoration |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
8 months is a long time to be away from someone that you care about. i thought as the months went by this hurt will fade...although i didn't want it to fade because i care about him that much. i resent him for leaving..for going to afghanistan...i want to yell at him and tell him how much i need him...and how scared i am...but i don't truely resent him...i just miss him...and that in itself turns to anger.
...and i'm scared.
that's right i'm a scared, confused girl. wow how awesome is that.
i still hold onto the hope....i know everything in the end will be fine...will come out alright...i'm just impatient. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|06:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Panic! at the disco. | ] |
You're a regular decorated emergency!
some people are confusing..they say that they miss you one minute and the next they don't even want to talk to you.
eh.
i'm not giving up...i'm just giving into reality.
so basically this is the update. |
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| BE JEALOUS! |
[Oct. 29th, 2005|03:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | further seems forever | ] |
im so exhausted...and sad. i got to hang out with Boston Anthony last night and tonight...it was great fun. he's super cool and i think everyone should get them one..but guess what!!!! there's only one Boston Anthony...andddddddddd you can't have him!!! yeah!!! haha....yeah.
thursday night i went up to Akron/ Macedonia to go pick up anthony then he and i went to see my beautiful Marie..... i miss her alot it was wonderful seeing her again...you never know how much you miss someone until you see them again and remember why you adore that person.
Anthony got his awesome Little Ceasers and we watched Marie and her friends carve pumpkins....she made me stick my hand in the pumkin..ew.
then tonight, or friday night, anthony made the 2hour drive here...to visit me and my roommates...it was beuatiful...and i cant spell beautiful right now because i'm so tiredddddd.
oh and ex's are stupid and ruin things...they should be beat to death with a blunt object or something.....
oh and anthony and i came to the conclusion that Elmo is emo but he hides it well...he laughs because he's using it as a facade to hide all the pain..because damn...if i were a little red furry thing with that voice i'd be so emo it hurt. lol.
the things you think of when you're sooooooooooo wasted..yeah. |
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| is it still me that makes you sweat? |
[Oct. 26th, 2005|11:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | panic! at the disco | ] |
i'm confused and frustrated...and i don't like it.
panty shopping = a cure to a bad day...or week.
take your pick.
....which tomorrow is going to be long and stupid.
i still don't like being confused though...and the frustration is getting stronger. stupid. |
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| Dance parties and Tupac on cold rainy days |
[Oct. 22nd, 2005|02:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tupac ft. elton john- ghetto gospel | ] |
elton john + tupac = freaking amazing!!!!!
ghetto gospel is probably one of my fave songs...for some odd reason.
++ Dance parties are amazing especially when you make Backstreet boys the music of the evening.
++ Boondock Saints is definitely my new favorite movie.
- Rain + 50 degrees = not so great.
- being stuck in doors alone is definitely not posi.
++ bubble baths with steamy hot water cures anything.
++ My best friend is coming home in a couple months from afghanistan!! i'm so excited to see him.
++ panty shopping is one of my favorite things in the world...it takes all my blues away.
Lindsey and i were talking last night and i told her i think i should be black...she told me that i have the ass and the boobs for it..not to mention the moves....buuuuuut we are both glad that i am who i am.
-i have missed talking to you...its been one crazy week and i have alot to share with you...i really hope you can make the trip...if not its understandable...but i'd really like to see you....anyway i hope you have an awesome and safe weekend. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|12:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
so bubble baths are pretty much my favorite thing in the world.
well that and late night phone calls.
....yeah. |
|
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| i never felt my heart beat so fast.... |
[Oct. 19th, 2005|12:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | haste the day- the perfect night | ] |
so basically i over analyze things sometimes...and i hate it...why can't i just let things happen...bleh i think that's one of my downfalls...
....there's so much i'd like to say but i don't know how to say it...i hate when the words escape me and i stutter trying to figure out a way to say it. and in the end i sound like a retard. sometimes its amusing but for the most part its frustrating.
today was interesting...work sucks...but the people that i work with are awesome. oha nd i've come to a conclusion that JAMIE is insane. oh and she scares me when she sings to me while rubbing her hands all over her body....eh...yeah.
+++baths are pretty amazing but when you add bubbles you win me over.
there's so much i want in life right now...so much that i'm working toward. sometimes i get discouraged and i stumble.
...sometimes i wish i knew how the rest of my story goes...but i have to remind myself that this is a big surprise..there's only one person who knows the ending to my story and He's not like those jerks that like to ruin the end of those dramatic movies...JERKFACE!
sooo i haven't gotten to speak to this certain boy alot this past weekend...but its okay..because business is allowed..when i do get to talk to him its amazing and i hope he knows that...which is kind of funny sometimes there's those awkward silences...that aren't really awkward but you can here the other breathing on the other side and its kind of humorous....i like those times...its cute. and he's cute...end of story.well hopefully its not the end of the story...i hope there's alot of chapters after this...
hmmmm....the end? |
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| love is having to suffer. |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|01:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Secret Lives! | ] |
so i'm basically confused about this whole situation...about my feelings....should i let myself fall for this boy???
...i'm scared
....please tell me you won't tear my heart out and step on it.
falling is what scares me.
love is having to suffer. |
|
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| late night talks |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|03:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Red Jumpsuit Aparatus - Cat and Mouse | ] |
i'm not satisfied with where i'm at in life.
am i supposed to be happy, when all i've ever wanted has come with a price?
i really love my roommate...i know that sometimes lindsey and i get awkward around each other...but its because i make it that way...i get stressed out and i hermit up and she does nothing but give me my space because she knows that that's what i need...tonight she and i had an awesome talk...we talked about past relationships...about all the stupid drama that people around here like to start with each other...and we just confided with each other...it was nice.
i'm really scared...to see my best friend again...8 months is a long time to be gone....and february isn't too far away now....war really changes a person.
.....i miss you alot...and it frustrates me...i can't wait to hear your voice...its comforting..i could have the worst day ever but talking to you changes all that...i adore you. |
|
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| talk shit and get hit |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|10:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | stretch arm strong- for the record | ] |
i love when people talk shit....eh not really.
its kind of funny though to hear people tell lies about me...and then come up to me and act like we're friends....or to turn the tables on me. i don't run my mouth....that's the stupidest thing ever....bleh i'm frustrated!!!
so there's this boy
...yeah
...he's awesome.
and i'm looking forward to what's to happen between us.
...did i mention he's pretty amazing
...and i wouldn't mind kissing him.
the end. |
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| YOU SAID THIS TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT! |
[Oct. 9th, 2005|12:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  enraged | ] |
| [ | music |
| | symphony in peril | ] |
This is a dagger to the heart, an unrelinquishing torture, but this
soon will assemble me.
Your murder face to face.
you haven't changed...you're still the peice of shit that you were when you stole something so precious from me and threw everything i felt for you back in my face...you are a liar...this time you will be unforgiven...you made me feel like the biggest whore ever...i bet you would have treated a legit whore better...you'd look at her in the face when you told her you were through and you didn't want anything to do with her. your love is a lie...you don't know the truth behind the word...you play with people's hearts...bastard! You're a coward. A man would take responsibility for his actions.
you'll get what's coming to you...and i will laugh so hard...there was only one person in this world that i hate...but now you make it two...you don't deserve the air you breathe. |
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| word to your mom, we came to drop bombs |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|12:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | damien rice | ] |
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
i'm finally writing in this thing again...i don't even know why. no one reads it which is good. i'm seriously tired of what things have come down to. i'm tired of wasting emotions on people. its really tiring. i've come to realize how selfish some people are...and how other people are so bitter and just plain stupid. it irritates me when people make the worste decisions and try to blame it on someone else and make it seem like they have it bad because of someone elses actions...wrong! grow up and take responsibility for you own actions. its definitely not that hard. but its a pride thing...people don't want to admit that they screwed up.
i'm also beginning to realize how fickle some people are...and how we all love to play with each other's hearts...whether it be intentionally or unintentionally...we all have done it some more than others. i'm tired of my heart being torn out and tossed around by a certain person...it's made me bitter. but of course the more and more i think about it...i couldn't possibly be with someone so selfish. maybe that's not the right word...maybe the word is oblivious...i think that's it.
everything is just taking a toll on me emotionally...i'm so tired.
life, it taught me to die |
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| you were my beautiful mistake... |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|07:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | incomplete- backstreet boys | ] |
I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
It's over...i'm giving up on him. i'm giving up on everything about him. I tried to be a good friend to him. but i was stepped on. its over. I'm done trying to pick through the lies and truth. Though i love him as person...i can't deal with all the heartache anymore. this is it. |
|
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| Love was just a game you played. |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|04:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | say hi to your mom | ] |
its amazing how i'm completely ignored. its what i strive for.
another thing.
i'm really tired of putting so much into friendships and relationships and the person on the other end just wants to be with me because they know i do all the work. Stop being lazy and try. i'm tired of friendships being onesided. I'm tired of being the girl that they know will always listen to them when they need someone to talk to. i'm fed up with being "convenient". wow what a wonderful word to classify a friend under. is my love towards these people worthless? what purpose does it serve?
ofcourse i'm the idiot that holds on to a friendship even after that person has treated me like shit. the lies never cease...its like i'm just a joke. Is that all i am??? please tell me. Stop with the lies. Stop telling me that you want me when you have another person? I'm not going to be the other girl! i'm not going to be a fucking joke! that's all i ever was to you! a joke. love was a game you played with me. and i was just the prize you won then you used me and threw me away. great.
I thought i had forgiven you for that. But i guess not. the wound has become a scar but with each lie you tell me it cuts it open again. thanks.
</3 |
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| dashboard confessional and the coolest guy ever |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|11:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dashboard confessional | ] |
so i just got back from hanging out with my him. it was great. We went to the mall and looked for stuff for his mom and then we went to dinner. We also hung out with his friend. As the night went on i go quieter and quieter. I was just really thinking about stuff. I really like him and he's going to Afghanistan. Not cool, but wait....does he like me? i don't know i mean it seems like he does but i'm having such a hard time reading it. i'm really confused right now and i don't like it. It just got awkward with another person there. uuuuuuugh. i'm tired and i just wish i knew what was going on. |
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